Many of the world’s con men (think Al Gore) and absolute fruitcakes have met in Copenhagen, Denmark, to cook up a method of shaking down all the productive countries of the globe. They figure they will never see a better vehicle for their nefarious plans than the much-touted global warming, and they are probably right.

Well, dear con men and fruitcakes of the world, I have a plan. Let’s get truly serious and simply outlaw CO2. If we do that we will be able to meet and defeat your verifiably fake global warming (the world has been cooling for a decade) with a sufficiently self-righteous law designed to solve all our CO2 problems. (Of course, it won’t change anything, but we will feel so noble!)

Unfortunately, there will be a few unavoidable consequences, for instance: since all growing plants (think food) require CO2 , we will have to figure out another way to get food. Maybe we will have to become meat-eaters only.

No. That won’t work. Meat comes from animals, and those bloomin’ animals eat plants, and we won’t have any plants. Okay. Let’s go to plan B; we’ll become vegans.

Oops! That won’t work either. Vegans eat vegetables and other plants, and we won’t have either of the two (they need CO2 to grow and once we’ve outlawed it, we won’t have any of that nasty, wicked stuff).

We could adopt the storied diet of famous prisoners. You know how that worked, they had nothing but bread and water.

Oh, oh. Bread comes from wheat and wheat cannot grow without CO2. Maybe we could do just water, but I think we would have the opposite of an overweight problem in short order.

There are people who, when they are starving, eat tree leaves and tree bark. They even make a tasty tea out of them. The only problem with that is trees need CO2 to grow, so without growing trees, there will be no bark either to eat or to make into tea.

It is beginning to look as though we will simply have to go sit under a beautiful green tree and try to think of a solution to our CO2 problem. Oh, dear, that won’t work! There won’t be any green trees, because all the trees in the world are dependent on CO2 to survive, so without CO2 there won’t be any green trees under which we could sit. They all would be brown, brittle and dead!
Oh, woe is us! How ever are we going to feel righteous if we are forced to depend on CO2 for the survival of the human race! It just isn’t fair!

Well, I guess there is only one solution. Let’s do what the con men and fruitcakes do. Let’s say we have saved the planet (yeah, right!) by banning, and thereby reducing to 0, the CO2 we produce. It doesn’t have to mean anything. The super brains (giggle), who are computing how much CO2 the productive countries emit, are busily deleting any data that exposes their confidence game, so let’s take a page from their book and simply announce to the world that we have saved all mankind.

Next, let’s round up the nuts, send them all to the funny farm, then go sit under a tree and drink lemonade. Since lemon trees require CO2 to survive, we’ll sue those environmentally irresponsible lemon trees and send an announcement to the whole world, "AS SOON AS THE LEMON TREES PAY UP, WE’LL LET YOU KNOW. UNTIL THEN, DON’T BOTHER US."

Environmentally yours,
Muriel Sluyter